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That day, she had become free. It was Javeria’s first day of liberty on the expiry of iddat — after spending twenty six years, four months and twenty two days’ elongated captivity of matrimonial life. She had spent this longest period counting each and every moment, quietly with patience like the tranquillest ocean, that its peaceful surface shows no turmoil but the current of ebbs and flow of tides runs heavily underneath. Identically, she held tightly every wave of her inner thunder. And during the years’ long stretch of this self-oppression she had become so habituated that until a day before she didn’t know that the next day would be the first day of her liberty.

“Mummy, four month have elapsed, today.” Her daughter-in-law informed her casually, placing the tray of repast before her. She raised her gray head and looked at her.

“Really!” She spoke with uncertainty.

“Yes.” Daughter-in-law assured her, “You’ll be free from tomorrow.” She added, pleasantly.

“Free!”

“Yes, free to go wherever you want.”  

Free! Turmoil up-roared in the inner calm sea of her mind. She was unable to pick up even a morsel. She felt her appetite was lost suddenly. To shun the tumult, she strictly clogged her mind, which had turned its steering all of a sudden towards those bunged thoughts, and she tried to remain calm like earlier, trying to redirect her attention towards the meal, but in retaliation the mind became black like the blotting paper fully drenched in the black-ink.

She tried to eat but couldn’t. She covered the meal again and placed the tray on the side table to eat afterward in the late night, if she felt hungry. Now, she freed her mind but strangely there was no thought, or imagery appeared clearly. She felt a fierce battle in his mind of upheaval, blasts, hue and cry and simultaneous rustling and shouting that no voice could be listened to and nothing could be understood. It revealed to her that she had to pay immediate attention to many things, and that’s why she could not grasp even a single one. If there is great hubbub, after some time all the hullabaloo goes beyond the hearing and comprehension; a profusely stillness starts to prevail over the ears and soon overcomes the hearing. Identically, the entire riot in her mind also led to the same state of affairs. She felt a deep stillness had prevailed over the universe but with a weird resonance.      

She sprawled her legs, loosened her body and brain. Closed her eyes and laid her down, placing a bent arm over her eyes. She kept herself quite still for a longer time like a dead, but quietly taking short breaths. Slowly but surely, the hubbub ceased. The frenzied thoughts retreated, making the mind’s battlefield desolated and leaving behind the traces of ravage. Although the earlier flummox had gone, returning the perception, yet, the field was not yet ready to sow the crop of her cherished thoughts. However, her consciousness returned, ending the previous confoundedness.  She took a deep breath and held it until asphyxia, as usual, to get full command over herself. Though she found her practice tricky, she resumed her practice of taking deep breaths and then leaving it slowly when felt the throttle. Finally, getting rid of unwanted thoughts, she succeeded in making his head blank. Then she took a last long breath and released it immediately, and then she talked gently to her brain, stretching her hands fully: Now, we’ll decide together what has to be chosen and what has to be left, right? — Right. As she received the reply, she right away felt very hungry. She patted her stomach softly and felt there was a pit. She stood up, again stretching her hands and opening her eyes, and looked towards the side table. The tray was still there covered under a cloth as she had left it. During the last four months, it was the first time that the daughter-in-law hadn’t come back to pick up the empty agate-ware.

The clock showed 3:00 a.m. She ate with predilection after washing her face from the attached wash room. As soon as she finished her meal she laid down again and said: “Why are we in so much alacrity? It’s only 3 a.m. It is still night. He won’t come in this late night. We should wait until the dark is gone and dusk of dawn appears, I suggest. What do you suggest?” The mind agreed with her. “Good, won’t a siesta be better for us in the meanwhile? — It will freshen both of us, Ugh!” Again, the reply was yes. Although an inflow of the fidgetiness, a deep flutter did not allow her good sleep yet the doziness potentiated her.

After taking a full bath, she felt that the invisible chains of the bondage had dissipated with the drizzles on her body and she felt, getting rid of that burden, not only her body but the soul also became light like a flower. The suit must be of such a sort that nobody from home could put an objection and, at the same time, it must also be most reasonable to welcome him. She thought, opening the closet. She took out attires of sundry varieties and scattered them on the bed. At last, she selected a new but seemingly appropriate attire after giving a due deliberation. She stood before the mirror, brushed her locks and let them loose because he liked swaying tresses. Again prudent of not disclosing her clandestineness, she put on the light layer of lipstick which matched her dress because she wanted to look attractive to him during that meeting after an elongated endurance. After completing her preparations, she inspected herself keenly and carefully. There was not even a single wrinkle on the face or neck. The skin was the same pellucid; face was the same fresh and the body was the same balanced and shapely — neither floppy nor clumsy but still constricted and tautened — she had brought with her in this house. Nothing has diminished. The visitor women often commented — often with jealousy and sometimes wistfully — that they have gone old but the time has put no effect upon Javeria. She left the room in a brimming over joyful mood. The sun had already come high in the sky. All others have gone to take care of their businesses and activities. Now, there were only two of them in the home — she and her daughter-in-law, who brought breakfast for her. Both ate it and jabbered. The daughter-in-law told her a lot of news. She — as best she could do absentmindedly — passed here comments on those news. A wave of edginess was running inside her. Her eyes kept going towards the outer door because she was waiting for someone. When her daughter-in-law went to do the routine housekeeping she still continued nervously turning from one side to the other on the couch and staring at the outer door ardently. At last, she stood up and went into her room and dropped herself down into the rocking-chair. Though she was in perturbation waiting but she had not lost her trust. Her faith was unshakeable and she believed that he shall come like she was sure that it was time of noon. She was waiting for Abrar. She closed her eyes, swaying the chair. As soon as she closed her eyes, her brain found an opportunity to stretch its wings to fly back in the past.

Abrar was a peculiar kind of reckless boy, who perhaps had neither interest in anything of the world nor he cared for anyone. He had neither any tendency for education nor any inclination towards the fairer sex. His disregard for education was understandable that he belonged to an affluent business family and though he had not yet started to take an interest in that business like boys of his other aristocratic class families but, at last, he had to inherit his father’s already well-established business. But his lack of innate motive towards the girls — which is always the strong desire of the boys of his age — was inconceivable. He was next door neighbour of Javeria.  Roofs of their houses were contiguous. During her school going period, Javeria had seen him very rarely walking through the street or perambulating on their terrace. Whenever he was seen, he always looked lost in his thoughts. He, lowering his head, always walked straight even without taking a peep around him. He had been living in the neighbourhood as a son like seven daughters. All of his communion and friendship was out of the locality. He spent much of his time among those companions and seldom allowed anyone to visit his house.

Javeria often expressed his curiosity about his recklessness and blitheness with her friend Qudsia, sister of Abrar, who always asserted that he was very sensitive, caring, extroverted and jolly. She always refuted her exploration. Then, Javeria felt as if he deliberately acted his blithe and bleakness only towards her. And in fact, Abrar’s this incuriousness enchanted her. She fell in his love — when? She was unaware of it. He quietly and swiftly aheading like a cat attacked  and occupied her heart and mind, keeping her oblivious, and thatched over her soul like cumulo-nimbus in the moonless night so that she began to keep thinking about him unintentionally. When she realized what she was thinking unpremeditatedly, she would startled, yank her head to get rid of thoughts about him and reproach herself.

Now Abrar started to look-after their business and was seen more rarely. So, one summer afternoon, she was surprised to see him on his terrace. Javeria had glanced over other side of the less high wall between the two terraces just forced to the feminine habit of peeping here and there or in view of the fanciful idea that perhaps Qudsia might also present on her terrace, so they could have little tête-à-tête before her going downstairs. She saw Abrar, who was lost in his thoughts, sitting on a chair in the fading shadow of a wall of the room. A mischievous flashed in Javeria’s mind. After looking around carefully and making sure that there was no one on the roofs of the neighbourhood, she aimed at Abrar with grit, and quickly sat against the wall, hiding her head in her knees. After a while, when she was sure that he would have sat again on his place without finding stone-pelter , she stood up to see him — in fact, with the intention to hurl another grit on him — but she was dumbfounded to see him on her head, standing on the other side of the wall. She really became traumatized.

“You hit the pebble?”

She had no reply.

“Reply me.” He insisted.

“Nnn…No. Why should I?” She stuttered and she questioned back in brazenness.

“Why should anyone else hit?” Abrar asked in low tone, talking slowly, “What’s wrong could be with another else?”

Javeria felt as if she had heard his voice for the first time. Heavy, haunting and resonant, a heart-pounding mesmerizing voice that held her in its complete thrall.

“At last it happened. And you made it happen, which I have been trying to avoid.”

“Happening remains in slumber and when it wakes then it never goes back to inertia again.” Her words came out of her mouth unwarily and she was left with astonishment with her own words.

“You have thrown a stone into the sea and have created a whirlpool. There are some whirlpools whose spiral circles never end, and if someone enmeshes in those circles he could never get out. Why have you shoved me in trouble?”

“I haven’t thrust you.” She showed her bravado again.

“Now, you will have to suffer the trouble.”

“Hugh, I’ll have to suffer! I’ll see.” She said with a coquetry and, when strutting away, she thought satirically that he left the education in the tenth grade but talks like a philosophy and at the same time she felt his eyes stuck on her back. She reached the stairs and before stepping down she turned around but he wasn’t there. She felt humiliation at her feelings. She was bewildered as to whether to go downstairs or to return to see where he was? Has he gone back and sat in his chair? She was still in confusion that this time grit hit her — wrapped in a paper. She unfolded the parchment which contained the words: Tomorrow, at one o’clock in the afternoon.

Then their meetings started. The hot isolated summer afternoons and chilly winter nights — when the whole world aestivation and hibernation in these both contrary seasons — filled with their love, rendezvouses and promises. Though, all this started late but ended very soon. After barely one and a half years’ relationship, the moment of interminable separation reached.

Her parents had started searching for a suitor for her. Sometimes, she would see unfamiliar men and women in her house, and she was asked to meet them, which made her suspicious. Though, she discerned the matter but kept quiet because of her certitude that the final decision would be taken with her consent. It was a bolt from the sky when she was informed shortly after her university finals that she was going to be married next month. With whom? She didn’t know. All the matters about her marriage were settled down clandestinely. She kept mum. She neither made a protest nor uttered even a word of complaint before her parents. And in her quietness, she firmly decided to surrender but…..!

Her farewell meeting took place with Abrar three days before her bridal valedictory and one day before sitting on ma’yun for someone else. She preserved him by wrapping her soul onto him and returned with his soul dwelling within her. Before departing, she squeezed Abrar’s hand between her both hands and said, “I’ll wait for you to come on the day of my freedom.”

“Are you sure to be free?” He asked, looking into her eyes.

“Yes, I won’t die ere.” Her tone was confident. “Do you know why?”

Abrar’s eyes inquired: Why?

“Because I have stopped time here — right at this moment. You also freeze your time.”

They kept looking into each other’s eyes for a while, quietly.

“Will you come? Wherever I will be, you will know the very day when I will be free. Will you come?” Javeria spoke again.

“Yeah, I’ll.”

“I’ll wait.” She repeated her words with emphasis so that they imprint on Abrar’s heart and mind. Then she got up and walked away almost running on her toes like a cat as if that part of the earth had been catching her feet and she wanted to escape from its gravity instantly. 

And today she was free and waiting for his hurried arrival. But he hadn’t come yet. Will he arrive? Abruptly, she was filled with turbulence. Would he be able to come? “Certainly, he’ll come. I believe.” She consoled herself. But the panic didn’t stop. She got up, drank some water and again swung the rocking chair, sprawling in it. She hadn’t experienced this kind of trepidation when she had been sitting on the nuptial bed as a bride of Shaukat. Then she was completely free from all kinds of fears, apprehensions and anxieties.

Though Shaukat became the master of her body after marriage yet she never let him reach to her soul. How could she do it? She hadn’t brought her soul with her. But she followed Shaukat’s every command like a dutiful and devoted wife, served him in all the ways, gave birth to his children, raised them up and played her vital role in their breeding and education. She always preferred his opinions in every walk of life. Even that his priority and choice surpassed in the selection of a girl for Junaid — their eldest son. She never met Abrar after coming into Shaukat’s connubiality. Whenever she visited her parents’ home she never looked up even if he was right in front of him. She also never allowed a chance to be face to face with him in some rite. Both of them were exalted — deep and calm like the ocean.

“Why am I nervous today? Why am I feeling jitters? Has the cogitation of an expected meeting with him after a very long time created this anxiety and nervousness? If not, why is this perturbation rising? And….and why hasn’t he come? He must have come by now.”

She felt cold sweat pelting from her body and at the same time she felt her heart pounding in her chest, she put her hand on her chest and started to rub it gently. She stopped rocking, got up and started sauntering with little steps. Once again, she took a few sips of water. She went to the mirror and saw small drops of sweat on her face, which looked like an upshot of her paroxysmal. But she had the question: Why was she worried? Why was she pensive? Was an accident going to happen? Was there going to be a tragedy? Will….will he not come? Was her elongation going to be fruitless? Was it going to be the day of the beginning of a new wait? If he didn’t arrive? Then?

She dived into deep fathoms of her heart and groped the answer of her question: Will he not come? The answer was: He will. He had promised. He has to come and indeed he will.

She once again sat on the chair. She started her experienced asphyxia practice to control her anxious state and began to instruct her mind to remain calm. However, she felt that her heart beat was faster than usual. Suddenly, she realized that her attention’s direction was wrong. The reason for her palpitation was not trepidation of Abrar’s not coming, but that she might have suffered tachycardia. She became overanxious. If he arrived and he didn’t find her, then….? She never had a heart disease. But how long does it take for a heart attack? She thought of going out to inform her daughter-in-law about her condition so that a well-timed action could be taken.

Before she got up, the sound of the door opening was heard. She opened her eyes and saw her daughter-in-law with a tray of meals.

“Mummy,” she approached and said, “Eat it up quickly. Junaid is about to reach. You and he have to go to Uncle Shoaib’s home.”

As soon as she heard this, tsunami culminated. Javeria felt that that at last ill hour had come for that news which her intuition had been alerting her repeatedly. Has something happened to my brother, for God’s sake? She thought.

“Why? What happened?” She asked, panting. Her face had turned cadaverous.

“Uncle has called Junaid and told that his neighbour Mr. Abrar — the brother of your friend Qudsia Aunty — went to his business robustly.” Javeria instantly conceived the apperception that the time reached to its appointed hour in a single leap, promptly gliding from her fist.

Ignorant of her mother-in-law’s inner maniacal condition, she continued, “A little while ago, he left his office for a rendezvous with someone, but as soon as he reached his car, he suddenly had such a severe heart attack that he could not even be taken to the hospital and he died on the spot. Ah, poor! Wasn’t he the one who didn’t get married because — because of his involvement in a love affair in his youth?”

….

(Self-Translation from URDU)

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