FICTION

Several times later, when I tended to move towards my room in the house whose door had been closed, not knowing for how long and where nobody dared to enter. However, I moved there. While opening the door, I found the lock as if buried under the dust. It required extra effort to unlock. I entered inside, shuttered the door, rested against the wall, stretching my legs in a relaxing position.

There darkness spread in all nooks and corners of the room. A little ray of light was peeping to find its way into the room. The fatigue and agony overwhelmed me with such a degree that I had almost surrendered to life. The hustle and bustle for the struggle of life had made me forget my individuality. I was alienated by myself. My worry had been diving in the fathom sea of thoughts, as if striving to reach the coast; it seemed such a worry as though my very existence had shown me its back. How do I look? Even I had left seeing myself for ages. Such yells of thoughts and worries tempted me that I had better see myself in the mirror whether it had been really me…?

I got up, started watching myself in the mirror hanging on the wall. My face looked altogether dim and blurred. Nothing was explicit. I could not believe in the mirror. I felt the mirror had collected ages’ pollution, and it has left showing clarity. Oh…! What to do..? Isn’t it that my existence is away from dust..? No… Not at all… I am not so tangled with myself. Surrounded by the questions, I was self-questioning and self-answering. Or it is quite possible that I have begun neglecting reality. Isn’t there a layer of selfish dust collected upon my eyes..?

I was perplexed, searching for myself. I extended my hand so that I could clean the dust from my mirror. But all in vain, it remained the same. Now, there was a kind of shaking that began rising. I just stroked so that I could clean my face. When my hand came down after cleaning my ugly and dusty face, there was a padlocked face before the mirror. Ugh…! I was fully stupefied. My body lost its attachment with my soul due to extreme confusion of thought and horror. It looked that someone else stood before the mirror.

Now there was such an ugly person, standing before the mirror, who had lost his reddish eyes. His eyes were fully white now. He didn’t know what the hell it was… scattered hair… long ears…. Teeth stretched out of the mouth — and those teeth were dyed with the blood of humanity as if tried to suck the blood of so many human beings to quench the thrust of his soul. But his was never ready to be filled.

The fountain of blood seemed flowing from his fat lips. There was no end to his big head. Panic surrounded me after seeing this face… I screamed loudly, but the voice came back and echoed in my ears. Oh! No! No! It’s not me. I am very beautiful, unique and supreme amongst all the creatures. This ghost is something else. I can never be this.

I hadn’t energy to see myself. I immediately covered my eyes with my hands. Oh! Oh! I felt my hands slapping my face. I felt those hands — coming out of the mirror — were cannibal of me. When my hands touched my face, it again became as mild as ooze like a potter. My hands formulated a new face of mine….

I opened my eyes again. What? Now the mirror showed me a new face. Oh! Is it me? How helpless! Extreme hunger dented my cheeks and shaped like a hole. There had been blisters on my hands. My lips were sealed. My voice had been snatched. Now a tear laughed at my helplessness, sliding down from my eyes onto my torn cheeks and burning their wounds. I pitied myself. I remembered my old beauty. Ugh! I was so beautifu! How can this happen? How can I turn so? How much helplessness?

My hands were chained in such a way that I couldn’t wipe my tears. No, no. This cannot be my face. I couldn’t believe. I unleashed myself, moved towards the mirror to hug myself, to wipe tears from my cheeks and support myself. Despite all the efforts, I failed.

Being emotional and encouraged, I moved towards the mirror with my utmost force. The sound of scattering of the mirror into many pieces echoed in the surroundings. I saw my different shadows in each piece. My hands filled with blood. I became busy in extracting myself. Meanwhile, my mother opened the door with a profound explosion, entering the room. “I’ve warned you several times not to enter the room of awareness. There is the shadow of awareness in this room, which will make you insane…”

….

(Self-translation from BRAHUI)

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